Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
