my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
