Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
