You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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