just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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