In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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