My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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