who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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