the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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