Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
