I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
