A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
