There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
we're so committed to being not committed
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