how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
