Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
