the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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