his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
