Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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