God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
