So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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