dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize