she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
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