do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
