I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Randomize
