I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
