Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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