I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
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