mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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