My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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