Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
