i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
