Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
