Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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