Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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