The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
