even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
