I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
