I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
