the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
