Do you still have your period?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize