I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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