yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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