I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
