Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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