My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
