Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
