At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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