She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
