I accidentally burped into my bong.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
