I met the friendliest cop last night
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
