If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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