There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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