Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
