when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
