I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize