I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
