I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
