My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize