i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
