well you can't waste a boner
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
