Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
