saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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