I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
