He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I am available for nakedness
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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