So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
