is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
