Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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