My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
this hospital has no fireball
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
