so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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